Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
