She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
