so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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