Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You are a genius and a whore.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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