hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
