I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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