I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
