He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
