he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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