I will die if light touches me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
