apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
