i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
