her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize