I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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