girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
