hotel room ftw
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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