i think my tv is drunk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
