I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize