Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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