um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
