I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
