Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
