Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
