I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
