I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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