good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
