Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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