he thought i was a dude.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
