Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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