you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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