I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
