I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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