I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
