I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
