Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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