so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
