i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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