i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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