maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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