My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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