Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
