I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
