I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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