When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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