I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
