I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
