i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
