some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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