I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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