yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
