Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
