And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
