where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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