after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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