I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
