I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
