sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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