I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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