The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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