I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
