So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
its liver damage thursday
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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