I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
