I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
