I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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