I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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