im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
